Witty Quotes

Searching for some funny witty quotes to say, now no need to launch search war on google or bing. Here i have compiled down some of the random witty quotes to say or write down on your social walls. Just hope you like my quote collection and share them with your friends.

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Witty Quotes

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein

When he worked, he really worked. But when he played, he really PLAYED.
Dr. Seuss

This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.
Hunter S. Thompson

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.
Holly Hood

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Ambrose Bierce

If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.
Jarod Kintz

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

The guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?
Jandy Nelson

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
Josh Lanyon

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.
Nancy Springer

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.
Oscar Wilde

Nothing uses up alcohol faster than political argument.
Robert A. Heinlien

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.
Steve Kluger

If I read as many books as most men do, I would be as dull-witted as they are.
Thomas Hobbes

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Wilson Mizner

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
G.K. Chesterton

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.
Suzanne Collins

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
William Shakespeare