George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes

George Denis Patrick Carlin, was an American Stand up comedian, social critic, satirist, actor and author. He was mostly noted for Black Humor and Politics and won 5 Grammy Awards for his comedy albums. Here I have compiled some of the famous George Carlin quotes, hope you like them and share them with your friends.

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin

Think off-center.
George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin

Always do whatever’s next.
George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
George Carlin

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin

I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

The status quo sucks.
George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin