Daniel Tosh Quotes

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Daniel Tosh Quotes
Daniel Tosh Quotes

By the way, everything I say is wrong; I'm a complete hypocrite. I've dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and tha"ts gross. Get it fixed girls, you're not even a real woman.
Daniel Tosh

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Daniel Tosh

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
Daniel Tosh

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.
Daniel Tosh

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
Daniel Tosh

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!
Daniel Tosh

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."
Daniel Tosh

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Daniel Tosh

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it — I want legit sets.
Daniel Tosh

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.
Daniel Tosh

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
Daniel Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Daniel Tosh

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to walk to cure cancer. I'll just write a check.
Daniel Tosh

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sl***.
Daniel Tosh

I can say that. I have a television show.
Daniel Tosh

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."
Daniel Tosh

My show is about bringing the troops home. That's the message. It's not obvious, but it's there. Bring the troops home tomorrow, and continue the war here. Because we owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds with their families, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war. We can have it in Nebraska; we don't need that horrible state. That can be our field. Some of you are like, "Oh, that's not nice! Then we wouldn't have any corn!" My SUV doesn't run on corn. Ethanol is a dream, and a dumb one. And let's not pretend than anyone here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why they're all storm-chasers? An hour in Omaha and I'm looking for a tornado to take me any place.
Daniel Tosh

Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
Daniel Tosh

Not cool would God approve?
Daniel Tosh

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant
Daniel Tosh

Sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
Daniel Tosh

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Daniel Tosh

The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say: 'well come on, number 8 was the rapist.'
Daniel Tosh

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Daniel Tosh

The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.
Daniel Tosh

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
Daniel Tosh

You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.
Daniel Tosh

You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the deadliest catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're f***ing fishin'."
Daniel Tosh

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?
Daniel Tosh

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