Chelsea Handler Quotes

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A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Quotes
Chelsea Handler Quotes
According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters…if their sister is Angelina Jolie.
Chelsea Handler

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He’s going from bar to bar picking up women—how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
Chelsea Handler

Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy—she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
Chelsea Handler

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
Chelsea Handler

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who’d gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George’s house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield’s island for a ‘radio opportunity.’
Chelsea Handler

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?
Chelsea Handler

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere—his car drove itself.
Chelsea Handler

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony…
Chelsea Handler

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
Chelsea Handler

Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
Chelsea Handler

I have more respect for somebody who's like, "Yeah I like to party, so screw off," then for Tara (Reid), who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway - not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
Chelsea Handler

I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyoncé lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award—which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.
Chelsea Handler

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
Chelsea Handler

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
Chelsea Handler

Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
Chelsea Handler

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
Chelsea Handler

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends—Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.
Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Chelsea Handler

Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event—many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.
Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
Chelsea Handler

Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy—er.
Chelsea Handler

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
Chelsea Handler

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.
Chelsea Handler

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms…in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
Chelsea Handler
 
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