Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Alexander Wright or simply Steven Wright is an American comedian, actor and writer, popularly known lethargic voice and deadpan delivery of his jokes and oneliners.

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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright
 
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