Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Mitchell Lee Hedberg or popularly known as Mitch Hedberg was an American stand up comedian artist and was famous for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. Here are some of the best Mitch Hedberg quotes, hope you like them.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg

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